In hindsight I realize that I have been on a spiritual quest my whole life but, consciously,
for the last twenty years. During this time I have been willing to journey within, in search of my truth. That is to say,
I have been asking questions such as: “Who am I really? Why am I here? What is my purpose?" I have always felt that
there’s got to be more to my life that eating, sleeping, working, and someday, dying.
I was told, I don’t remember by whom, that life is what we do between peak events along
the way. You have probably heard the adage, “Arriving at a particular place is not the most important thing to do, and
it is the experience of the journey that is important.” I have found this to be true, over and over again. So, it is
the journey that I choose to share with others. What I have learned regarding why we do what we do. My journey has been an
emotional roller coaster of surprises, joy, despair, fear, anger, more fear, insights, heightened awareness, a little more
fear, tenderness, learning to love and be loved, compassion and lots of laughing along the way.
Why did I bother?
My curiosity won out. When I was very young and being raised in an abusive, alcoholic home;
in my fantasies I would wonder why I was in this crazy family? I would look at the stars and wonder if there were other kids
looking back at me with their own fantasies and wonderment. I convinced myself even then that there had to be others on other
planets. That there had to be more going on than the life I was living. These ideas, thoughts, fantasies, saved me; gave me
something to hang onto.
By the time I was a teenager I believed the family myth; that alcoholism was our lineage and
there was no other choice in how I would end up. I believed that I would be dead by the age of forty; that I would drink myself
to death, and I was O.K. with that. I set out to get it done and over with. I lived a life of despair for almost thirty years.
At first, living with an alcoholic, then becoming one myself for twenty years.
How did I change direction?
This is a long story. Here is the short version. Two momentary events:
First event:
I was sitting in my doctor’s office after one of my many flu visits. (Alcoholics get
flu like symptoms a lot. It’s called detoxifying. We do it every time we drink.) Anyway, she’s talking on the
phone and I hear her say, “Joe, you are killing yourself by drinking a case of beer every day.” Now, I liked my
doctor, I wanted to comfort her. While I’m sitting and waiting for her to get off the phone I’m thinking, “I
will tell her I drink one and a half cases of beer plus some whiskey everyday and I’m O.K.!” – KABOOM!
It was not until that moment, twenty years into my drinking career that I realized that maybe - maybe – that the amount I was drinking might not be normal. I realized in
that moment, I could not comfort my doctor by sharing that thought. I kept silent.
Second event:
A few months later I decided to go to a counselor to deal with my anger and depression. By
the time she had completed her intake process she said that before we could go any further I would have to quit drinking.
I got angry and stormed out of her office. The truth was, I panicked!
I knew that fifteen to eighteen hours a day were the hours I was drinking. If I was awake,
I was drinking. What would I do with those fifteen to eighteen hours every day? I was terrified at the prospect of finding
that out. Remember, in my family, you were either an active alcoholic or a dead one; and one always led to the other.
Well, I took my terrified self to another appointment with the counselor. I told her everything
I just wrote. She said, “You have a choice…” I was stunned, I mean STUNNED! Until that moment, believing
my family myth, it had never, I mean never, occurred to me that I had a choice about anything, especially around the issue
of alcoholism. I had been to counselors before but for some reason; at this moment, in this office, with this counselor, I
decided to explore the notion that I had a choice.
In the journey of exploring that notion that I had a choice about who I was I came to realize
that I was playing out who I thought I was, as part of this earthly family of addicts. That was the beginning of the death
of my belief system up to that day.
I was thirty-five years old. I’m now fifty-seven, sober twenty-two years. I am one of
six and I the only one in my family who has allowed it.
These two momentary events were the catalyst for the light bulb to go off in my head! But
the “HOW” of my change of direction continued on in many ways and events that at thirty-five years old I could
not have imagined. For the first time in my life I was experiencing hope.
It is this time period to the present day that I share with others. How I learned to live.
That dying is the furthest thing from my mind, yet I’m not afraid of it. Dying is a transition of one life to another
life, and yet another and, if you choose, yet another.
Experience:
Hawk has been a counselor for twenty years in Bloomington, Indiana, and Northern California.
Her experience includes working in treatment centers, facilitating workshops, and a private practice helping people to deal
with codependency, addiction issues, and family counseling.
Her counseling experience has taught her that fear is a universal issue and that there are
simple solutions that can be incorporated comfortably into your work environment and personal life.
Her workshops provide a pathway to dialog that creates a more productive work environment.
The information offers help so that people can recognize their fears and how those fears hinder their work and personal relationships.
